Batman's Week
by anakinlove
Summary: Batman has a diary. gasp! Yes, yes he does and for a week we get to follow it and see what wisdom we can glean from withen it's cryptic pages.


Monday: Superman exists. It is a painful fact I have to deal with every day of my life. Sometimes, I hate my life. It is a rather fetid day. My room in the watchtower is yellow. Curse the color yellow. And, it's such a bright, happy yellow too. Curse this hideous yellow hue. I know who caused this monstrosity as well. I was performing my daily hour of eavesdropping today when I heard them all talking about my yellow room. They said Superman had painted it that color to make me more _happy._ Well, I have news for him, happiness doesn't exist. You can't measure it, you can't test it, you cannot put it under a microscope and look at it. Therefore, it does not exist. We are all living a terrible lie.

Tuesday: I cannot believe it. Flash broke the heating system in the watchtower today. Actually, it's the Flash so I can believe it. Curse that red clad maniac. Everyone was huddling with each other for warmth. I stood in the corner and pondered the meaning of life. Superman came up to me and said I looked cold. I pointed out to him that simply "looking cold" as he put it, was not specific enough and that he needed to be more specific. After his reply I had to point out that the word really added to his previous statement did not make things any better. He said that if we stood back to back, we might warm up each other a bit. I told him if he invaded my personal bubble, I would personally tear out some of his organs and replace them with several large McDonald's fry orders. He backed off after that. He knew I was serious. I remained in the corner for the rest of that day until someone fixed the heating and I could go home.

Wednesday: Wednesdays, curse them. Wednesdays are Superman's "team bonding" days. We all have to do those stupid "fall back and I'll catch you" type exercises. I hate those exercises, quite frankly because I don't trust anyone. Trusting is for imbeciles. Superman is an imbecile, and a moron, and an obtuse being. I was paired with him today. I think he was afraid I was going to hurt someone. I don't know what he was so worried about. El Dorado was only in that hospital for two months and he really deserved it. Nobody touches my nose, nobody. Superman figured I couldn't hurt him. He was so wrong. He was getting pretty exasperated with me because I refused to fall back into his arms. It just wasn't going happen. He said in his annoying little Kansas voice, "Come on Batman, don't you trust me?" I told him the truth, I did not. Then, he patted me on top of the head like I was some sort of dog or something, so I punched him in the nose with a kryptonite ring. Then, I went home and took a nap.

Thursday: Superman's nose looked a little crooked today. Somebody mentioned it too him, but he didn't say anything, he just glared at me. He told me he might have to take disciplinary action against me. I told him I wasn't a child and he couldn't do anything to me anyway. He said he could. I told him the moment he touched me, the kryptonite ring would enter him and would be extremely difficult to extract. He just frowned and walked away. I'm so glad everyone takes me seriously these days. They didn't before. They learned quickly. I just found out Robin's coming back to the watchtower tomorrow. He's been fighting this giant blob creature in Texas with the Titan's for the past week and is finally returning. I'm not fond of Texas, too humid, too hot, too much Tex Mex food. I think those people should have let the blob destroy their state. It's not very nice anyway. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to protect the whole world and I could just protect Gotham, but when the world is threatened, Gotham is too so I have to protect the whole damn thing. I am working on plans for a special bubble projection to go around Gotham and cut it off from the universe. Then, I could just watch the rest of the world burn.

Friday: Robin got back today. He was exhausted, they all were. It turned out he hadn't slept the entire week he was fighting the blob. I was furious. I couldn't believe he hadn't called for backup. He was so tired, he almost fell asleep on his feet. I tried to give him a lecture about the importance of sleep and backup, but he cut me off by falling. I had to catch him. Then, I just picked him up and carried him over to the couch. Superman looked so haughty when I sat down because it had been his idea to put in couches in the first place. I had been against the idea, saying people could just stand and we should use the money for more weapons systems. I ignored Superman though. That's the easiest way to annoy the pompous windbag, by pretending he doesn't exist. Deciding it wasn't the time for lectures, I just put Robin down and told him to tell me about his battle. He perked up considerably and started to tell me about all the planning and things he had done, the moves he had executed, and his wish that I had been there to see him. Instead of telling him sternly that I could have been there if he had called me (like he should have), I told him I was very proud of him. He lite up like a light bulb. I guess I don't say that to him enough. As he was getting into the mid point of the final assault, he started to kind of slump down until he was leaning up heavily against me. At that point, he was in a really weird position, half lying across me with his arms at awkward angles. He asked me really softly, before he fell asleep, if he could climb up on my lap for a bit and just close his eyes. He must have been really tired to pull that one because the titans were still milling around, so I didn't press the argument that he was too big. I went ahead and hauled him up there. He sat with his chest up against mine and his head on my collarbone. He gave a little sigh and closed his eyes. Then, he fell asleep. I just let him stay there for a while, stroking his hair, and I glared at people as they walked by us. I like glaring. I should do it more often. Then, we went home.

Saturday: Dick was so exhausted today, he didn't even wake up. I left him with Alfred and against my better judgment, headed up to the watchtower. As I was working on some computer systems, Superman came up to me and told me he was concerned for my well-being. He said he was afraid that I would spiral down into my own misery and anger and never come back up or have anyone close to me. I told him he should write that on a hallmark card and send it to someone, preferably someone who wasn't me. He asked me if I liked the color of my room. I told him I hated it almost as much as I hated him. Then, he got all insulted and said he tried to do nice things for me, but all I ever did was insult him and threaten him. Then, he flew off. Wonder Woman came up to me later, all perturbed and petulant and told me I had made him cry. I just rolled my eyes at that one. He can be such a sissy sometimes. I made him cry, hah. Only a Kansas wose would cry at the drop of a hat like that. People told me I was hated at least twice daily and I never cried. But, everyone seemed unusually hostile towards me today, so I went home early. Dick was up and we played checkers. I beat him five times in a row, but I still felt this weird emotion welling up inside of me. Alfred told me it might be guilt. I decided to attribute it to indigestion.

Sunday: I have finally decided that maybe I was feeling guilt. After analyzing it for a bit, I made this conclusion. I went up to the watchtower that day and kind of walked around for a bit and not sure what to do. Everyone glared at me all day. I never realized how depressing it was for people to glare all day. I mean, I do it, but maybe it's different with me. I guess they're all mad about what I did to Superman. Finally, I could take it no longer. I went up to his room and knocked on the door. He asked who it was and I said it was me. He told me to go away, so I broke down the door. He asked me what I wanted and I mumbled a sorry. He said he couldn't hear me and I was going to have to speak up. That got me annoyed because we both knew he could hear me perfectly well with his super hearing and all, but I said it louder anyway. Then, I said I didn't really hate him and he was my (and I really had to swallow the last ounce of my dignity on this one) friend. He ran up and hugged me. I guess I was in a generous mood because I didn't pull out my kryptonite gun and shoot him dead. Hugging was notoriously bad for my image. He said I was his very best friend in the whole wide world. I told him to get off me, my generous feelings gone. Then, he told me I was forgiven (not that I cared). I left swiftly. As it turned out, after taking a few pepto bismal, I found I felt a lot better and that strange feeling went away so I guess I was right in the first place and it was just indigestion. I hate the world today. But tomorrow, I'm challenging Superman to a game of checkers. I know beating him will make me feel better. Perhaps he'll even cry. I guess the world isn't such a bad place after all.


End file.
